All sports have existed forever; humans, with a little help from technology, simply had to catch up in order to shape them into the versions we know and love today. As we sprint toward ‘Opening Day’, the (arguably) overhyped FIFA 2026 World Cup and the return of the Philadelphia International Cycling Classic. South Philly prepares to host the world in the summer and Manayunk will see the cyclist return to combat the ‘Wall’. It is time for an alternative view on how popular sports looked before their official ‘Opening Days’.

Before the ball was round

We begin at the start. The setting: a perfect pitch of racing-green grass somewhere outside a cave, presumably in the country that eventually gave us Brie, the art of the démarrage and an
R. Mutt signed urinoir (though French-born artist Marcel DuChamp later became American he would ultimately reinvent the wheel as shown inside a building located atop the Rocky Steps in Philadelphia).

It’s a blazing hot summer day, sprinkler installation just stopped spraying the pitch. The field is ready as we see twenty-two cave-people emerge from hibernation from their ‘dug-out’ cave. They have an inflated pig’s bladder. It is summer; they are “bare everything,” including their feet. The goddess Nike did not yet exist, so it was impossible for a “swoosh” to appear on their attire. One individual decided to kick the bladder in a perfect pass even Messi would be jealous off, and thus Football was born. 

But the technology was lacking. Because the bladder was not yet a perfect sphere, it was unfit to roll. Frustrated, some picked it up and ran with it instead—and just like that, the Philadelphia Eagles’ front office had their first scouting report for a Running-back. It would take centuries for inventors to catch up to the “eternal” idea of a round ball.

The Stationary Peloton

Long before the wheel was refined (by the before mentioned Mr. Champ), the Tour de France was already happening. However, without the bicycle, the peloton remained fully stationary during the three weeks of the event. Don’t ask me why but some people still (pretend) to do this in a spare room on their ‘Peloton’ branded bikes.

In the pre-historic version of the ‘TDF’ participants (think woolen jerseys and big mustaches, some smoking cigars while sipping whiskey) stood on a random stretch of cobblestone road, no street furniture, lamp posts nor safe zebra crossings. Some of this would be added over time though it is still impossible to cross this Champs-Élysées as we know it today. Commentators reported live to crowds who simply circled the athletes on foot.

Eventually, the “Steel Ros” (the Dutch nickname for the bicycle) was invented as Mr Duchamp took the wheel part of his 1913 objet-trouvé, combining it with a barstool and subsequently adding the ‘bi-‘ onto the rest of the frame of the ‘cycle’, leaving the barstools for spectators to rest on while keeping an eye on the game while lazily siping a lager.

With that final act athletes become all geared-up and started moving through the landscape rather than just standing in it. The organization of the event, staying true to its French origins, took on a the lazy habit of shortening their name to the ASO, ensuring they never had to waste breath on long syllables. This would become a tradition opted by many other sports organizers: _FIFA, IOC, UCI, MLB, NFL, VAR and ABS.

Repetitive Rhythms of Roland+Car+Ros

As technologic developments quick-end the overall race pace, so did the sounds that came with it. We hear bicycle rims rhythmically hitting the cobblestones as cyclist lap the rues of Paris and the last day of their Tour. We hear high pitched ‘roars’ and we also hear deep ‘grunts’. 

We believe pre-historic athletes spoke in deep grunts—ûhns, àh-s, and ôhs (or ‘aux’ in French). This “proto-French” was the go-to communication during high-exertion activities (tennis, running up ‘Rocky Steps’ and even sex.).

The sport of tennis, played outside is lacking a lot. There is no cooling shade from our cave, nor a dug out. The field once looked as well manicured lawn but our soccer-players have trembled into a tightly packed clay surface. This dry and hot environment forces players to ‘moan’ for water on a steady rhythmic beat as they hit objects out of frustration. 

As we dive deeper into how (our fictionally) humans evolved to play ‘catch-up’ we notice endless repetitive patterns. Athletes are doing the same thing over and over again. Leaping, lapping or looping with minor variations in between each leap, lap or loop.

With these patterns humans seems to aim for reaching the highest possible goal in technology, a near-robotic perfection, nearly impossible to detect. That is if it was not for additional technologies like the Photo-finish, or VAR in soccer or ABS introduced on this day at the start of the 2026 MLB season. 

So, we see the importance of technology and from this point it is not a far ‘leap’ to go from Sports (and again the Art by Mr Duchamp) to venture into Music. When we see patterns, loops and repetitive rhythmic beats that can easily land us on Techno. 

Time was ready for a Japanese electronics company to “box” these human sounds of grunts, moans and kicks into the technology we know as the TR-808 and TR-909. And it is no coincidence that the fabled fastest lap of the Monaco Grand Prix was clocked at 1:12.909… the synthesizer and ground finally reaching the same prehistoric frequency.

The Red Oxen of Moan-a-GO

We learned earlier that the world once looked as a perfectly manicured lawn, well depicted in a famed Windows desktop image. Bliss no more as billions of wannabe soccer’ feet create noting but a Messi and all we are left with is dirt, mud and clay to play on.

To solve this we asphalted in all over.
Subsequently creating a more efficient (read: intended as ‘cleaner’) way to move around. 

And so people did. Somehow they all flocked to the exact same, over-crowded spot a nice six our drive from our save cave. TopGear taught us this pelgrimage to ‘Moan-a-go’ (monaco) is best done in a red convertible.

Formula 1 existed then, too, but the pit crews were waiting for the invention of the axle, the piston, the Pirelli calendar and carbon fiber. In the meantime, they raced on bare feet, dragged behind an ox. When the ox ran hot (as in “Red Bull” hot) a clever marketing team eventually added wings to form a popular catchphrase, though it failed to get the heavy cattle off the ground. Eventually, we “Mercedes-Benzed” the ros (horse) into a modern vehicle, but the looping nature of the track remained a prehistoric instinct, at a pace of the before mentioned ‘909’.

Pegasus and the P1

The quest for speed eventually demanded we leave ground. Mythologically, it was the horse that was awarded the power of flight (Pegasus), which technology eventually caught up to with the P1 Mustang racing in the desert outside Reno, NV or this year in Roswell, NM. We see this today in the “Italian Stallion” emblems of red sports cars. Is this a longing to return to that prehistoric horse-power that once dragged us through the messy Mediterranean mud of Southern France?

The Gilded Slipper

Finally, we return to “toe-level.” After centuries of bare feet, the athletic shoe has become a technological masterpiece. But in Philadelphia, we know the “Gilded Slipper” isn’t just about marginal gains or “Sons of God” status symbols.

It is about Mummery. The folklore and misery of seeing grown man (some in black-face) donning satin dresses strutting drunk down Broad in a first day of the year’s victory lap for midlife-crisis man who lack red sports cars.

Long before the Lycra-worm athletes combating the steep 11% average gradient of the Manayunk wall caveman wondered outside their grottes. Broadening our Avenues as we ran, occasionally picking shiny objets-trouvés found at the end. Some of lesser value, some of more shiny metal and some bright yellowish. These would become the coveted medallions. 

As we look toward the 2026 World Cup at the Linc, we see the culmination of this “Organized Laziness.” The IOC and FIFA have mastered the art of making the participants do all the work. We are still the same cave-people, just with tighter Lycra, better “boxed” rhythms, and a golden slipper worthy to be worn by ‘sons of god’ as well as the common man ready for the Broad Street strut. 

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